An advice & lifestyle column on life as a transwoman
I must start this article with just a little introduction. I am Michelle Austin and most may know me from my adult film work, while others might know my face with another name—my alias—but we won’t dive into those details right now. I have been writing most of my life, once I realized people enjoyed reading what I wrote. I love writing and I love sharing my advice and experiences through this amazing life I have created. Not always the good but the bad too. I hope you enjoy and I will be writing more for you all to read.
Many people have asked me over the years, “How do you have such amazing confidence in yourself?” so I am going to dive into that issue in today’s column.
I want to say first that I wasn’t always this confident. I started my transition early in my adult years. I remember I had no clue how I was going to do it but I ended up doing it nonetheless. I have now been living as a full-time transgendered woman for over twelve years. I have had my ups and downs for sure; it wasn’t always this way but it was never easy either.
My transition actually went, for the most part, quite smoothly. I worked in a salon that had not only accepted my change but also encouraged me to be myself. I did have a lot of hiccups along the way but with that wonderful support I came around to finding myself. I do have to say that you must find yourself before you can find your way to being happy. I was in relationships and trying to discover love while transitioning and finding myself which ended up with me in an abusive (mentally not really physically) relationship. I was so down on myself at that time in my life and wanted love so badly. After three years on and off in this shitty relationship I finally found the strength to move on. When I got out of that relationship is when I ultimately discovered myself.
Fast forward to many years later and I am now in a happy relationship that has been going on for over five years. We found each other when we least expected it. At that time in my life I was working hard on loving myself. I had spent so many years looking in the mirror seeing someone I hated; I was always dieting or trying to look a certain way. Then one day I was watching a variety of media and saw girls were having eating disorders or body issues because of their desire to look like the women on TV or magazines. I took a look into it and realized I was like most normal girls and I didn’t need to be a size zero to be a better person. I love to eat my favorite things and I was tired of dieting so I decided to live life as myself, not as what I think I needed to be.
I never felt like I was fat or a BBW until I entered the porn world. Porn is like all other media, if you are not below a certain size you are fat. I thought I would be great for porn because I was always told I was pretty. I was wrong. Pretty doesn’t get you far; it’s more about your body and cock. After I discovered this—and after being lied to by many producers about why they wouldn’t shoot me for their sites—I took a stand and decided I needed to embrace being what porn labeled me as, a BBW. Now, people can call me fat and it wouldn’t hurt my feelings. I love who I am and I want to be a role model for many other girls who think they are not good enough. You have to know you are good enough before others will think you are. I have finally let it all go and say, “Either you love me or you don’t.” I am proud to be who I am, and I am proud to say I have helped many girls discover this.
My advice to anyone out there struggling with their confidence would be: look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, and you look beautiful!” You have to give yourself credit and show yourself the love you need. Once you have love for yourself and your body you will start to build confidence in yourself. Words can hurt but if you embrace those things people see as “negative” you will find the confidence to let it roll off like “water off a ducks back.” You are special and you are loved!
If you would like to contact me, ask me questions or tell me your stories, I am here for you. Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Follow me on Twitter @tsmichelleausti
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